Month: October 2024

Hello, I’m Dawn, and I’m a toxic over-giver.

Lemme explain.

Altruism is a beautiful virtue, one that, research suggests, is hardwired into the human brain. Acts of generosity release oxytocin in our brains that foster a sense of connection and connection is a basic human need. This is why it can be so hard to admit generosity at any level could be considered toxic. However, as with many things in life, healthy ways of being can tip into dangerous imbalance if you’re not careful, an imbalance that leads to feeling depleted and lost.

Life has been particularly challenging lately, and it’s in this time of significant stress that the unhealthy pattern of toxic overgiving has become painfully apparent. Fissures in my psyche are making their way to the surface, and the excuses I’ve made for continuing unhealthy patterns of giving are no longer sustainable.

It’s uncomfortable to shift the attention from outwardly helping to self-discovery, self-love and self-care. My identity is so wrapped up in giving to others I don’t even know what I want or what brings me joy. The dopamine hits from acts of service are a fuel to me like coffee or energy drinks are for others. And, the messages I receive in return for helping are the proverbial cookies that promise me I am good and I am enough. Compounding the difficulty, pathological altruism is a pattern of behavior hardwired in my brain so that it has become virtually automatic like riding a bike or reading a book.

Well, it’s time to get off that old bike I’m so used to riding and create a new pattern of behavior. It doesn’t mean I stop helping. It means I find balance.

Here’s how I knew it was time to admit to toxic overgiving:

1. Someone asked me what brought me joy, and I couldn’t answer the question with anything that wasn’t doing for other people.
2. I shelve desires for myself so that I can do things for other people first, usually resulting in never doing the things I want to do.
3. I am overwhelmed by my to-do list resulting in exhaustion and burn-out.
4. I feel the things I do are never good enough and carry guilt around all the things I perceive to not be doing well or at all.
5. I pride myself on my own self-sufficiency, never “needing” others and struggle to receive.

And, here’s how I will commit to restoring my giving balance:

1. I’m already doing #1. Writing is a gift I’ve long wanted to give myself, and here I am honoring my desires and finding the things that bring me joy.
2. Knowing my limits and being honest with what I can do in a day. I can commit to a finite time frame of giving to others. Anything more that tugs at my attention can wait or find other avenues of help.
3. I can ask for more help.
4. I can receive.
5. I can let go of guilt and accept that in this more balanced state, I am actually more “enough” than I was when I was giving too much.
6. I can be worthy as an individual regardless of the level of generosity at which I perceive others to see me achieving.

Hello, I’m Dawn, and I commit to no longer being a toxic overgiver.

Kids were off to school today on a two hour delay after FOUR WEEKS.

I am in awe of the dedication and countless hours our educators have put in to bring us back together.

Over the past month, these educators who signed on to do things like teach our kids history and math have gone above and beyond…
…to distribute water and food to our community.
…to make hundreds of phone calls and even pay home visits to account for every family in our school system.
…they continue to assess the needs of our families to help connect them with critical resources like housing and funding.
…they have hosted gatherings for students so kids could connect and see their friends.
…they salvaged many fall sports and extracurricular activities even if in a limited capacity.
…they have offered help and accommodations for students in the throes of college applications.
…they are having countless behind the scenes conversations and planning sessions about how to continue to support our kids as we ease back into a school routine who are experiencing a very wide spectrum of physical, emotional and financial burdens.

All of this while dealing with their own challenges and feelings.
To all of our educators in WNC – I am profoundly grateful for the love and energy you put into our community. Thank you. #WNCStrong#BlackhawkPride

Also, yesterday, I learned over 200 counselors from across the state are in our schools to offer additional support to students and staff and that comfort rooms have been set up for them if they need to step out at any time. AND, an angel donor put up the money to put every one of these counselors up in a hotel room.

Humanity prevails

I learned a new phrase today. The Google can be so informative.

“Functional freeze.”

A functional freeze is a defensive survival response that may make a person feel immobile, but is also oftentimes associated with feelings of panic, such as confusion or fear of losing control.

Yup. That sounds accurate.

Immobilized by the inertia.

Outwardly functioning, yet emotionally paralyzed.

Simple tasks are of gargantuan proportions.

Feeling congratulatory for changing my outfit.

Making pancakes for the kids, but eating a chocolate chip cookie for lunch because I used all my energy to make the pancakes, and, hey, I deserve that cookie for getting out of my pjs.

Not to worry. I promise I’m not staying here, in this “functional freeze.”

And, if you’re in one yourselves, I hope you feel seen. I hope you find strength and support to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Force yourself to do the little things that bring you joy.

For me, today, those little things were putting on these bright “festival” pants, my big beaded earrings, wearing eyeliner for the first time in over three weeks and treating myself to an oat chai and some Internet at the Ingles.

For anyone who needs to hear this, struggle and gratitude can exist in the same space.

I see you. I’m holding you in my heart.

This is as much a message to myself as it is to anyone else it speaks to. I’ve never been so okay and not okay at the same time in my life.

Picture of our Brother Wolf Animal Rescue evacuee, Paula, for a bright spot in all the sorrow.

Soon, the deafening silence will be infiltrated with the sounds of generators firing up, helicopters overhead presumably bringing in supplies and continuing the search and rescue efforts and chainsaws continuing to clear fallen trees.

Soon, the sun will rise and give light to the recovery efforts, SO many efforts. When someone asks how they can help, it’s hard for me to even begin to share the vast opportunities that are available. There are national organizations, local organizations, grassroots efforts, individuals who’ve lost everything and that’s just one facet because there’s also the choice of where. I’ve been watching needs being met in our town of Weaverville, but there’s great need all over WNC and Florida and Georgia and Tennessee. It’s overwhelming. Here are a few of the organizations doing good work here and are in need of donations to keep doing that work: BeLoved Asheville, Asheville Buncombe Community Christian Ministry, Brother Wolf Animal Rescue, Asheville Humane Society, Food Connection, MANNA FoodBank, World Central Kitchen

I’m sure there are many, many more, but I know donations to these organizations will be fed directly into our community.

The Weaverville community center, where we’ve been volunteering for the last two days, received truckloads of supplies again yesterday afternoon to replenish supplies: food, water, cleaning supplies, hygiene products, diapers, formula, pet food, batteries and more. And, it’s not just material support. People coming through the lines, embracing, crying and exchanging both stories of loss, grief and coping, but also stories of helping, unity and love. It’s emotional, man. And tears are on standby at any moment, triggered by a hug or a story or a scene.

Life is not normal right now. I haven’t even begun to think about normal things, but I suspect I’ll need to soon. Even though my focus is on making sure my family and community has basic needs and safety, I realize the world is still going on around us, business as usual, bills being drafted, kids being educated, travelers on vacations…

I can’t think too far down the line. There are too many unknowns. For now, it’s just one day at a time. What’s the next best thing…for me, it’s helping in anyway I can. It saves me from drowning in the grief of what and who have been lost.

Photo of one our neighborhood nightly gatherings in the cul-de-sac where we have been sharing meals and music and keeping each other sane.