Hello, I’m Dawn, and I’m a toxic over-giver.

Lemme explain.

Altruism is a beautiful virtue, one that, research suggests, is hardwired into the human brain. Acts of generosity release oxytocin in our brains that foster a sense of connection and connection is a basic human need. This is why it can be so hard to admit generosity at any level could be considered toxic. However, as with many things in life, healthy ways of being can tip into dangerous imbalance if you’re not careful, an imbalance that leads to feeling depleted and lost.

Life has been particularly challenging lately, and it’s in this time of significant stress that the unhealthy pattern of toxic overgiving has become painfully apparent. Fissures in my psyche are making their way to the surface, and the excuses I’ve made for continuing unhealthy patterns of giving are no longer sustainable.

It’s uncomfortable to shift the attention from outwardly helping to self-discovery, self-love and self-care. My identity is so wrapped up in giving to others I don’t even know what I want or what brings me joy. The dopamine hits from acts of service are a fuel to me like coffee or energy drinks are for others. And, the messages I receive in return for helping are the proverbial cookies that promise me I am good and I am enough. Compounding the difficulty, pathological altruism is a pattern of behavior hardwired in my brain so that it has become virtually automatic like riding a bike or reading a book.

Well, it’s time to get off that old bike I’m so used to riding and create a new pattern of behavior. It doesn’t mean I stop helping. It means I find balance.

Here’s how I knew it was time to admit to toxic overgiving:

  1. Someone asked me what brought me joy, and I couldn’t answer the question with anything that wasn’t doing for other people.
  2. I shelve desires for myself so that I can do things for other people first, usually resulting in never doing the things I want to do.
  3. I am overwhelmed by my to-do list resulting in exhaustion and burn-out.
  4. I feel the things I do are never good enough and carry guilt around all the things I perceive to not be doing well or at all.
  5. I pride myself on my own self-sufficiency, never “needing” others and struggle to receive.

And, here’s how I will commit to restoring my giving balance:

  1. I’m already doing #1. Writing is a gift I’ve long wanted to give myself, and here I am honoring my desires and finding the things that bring me joy.
  2. Knowing my limits and being honest with what I can do in a day. I can commit to a finite time frame of giving to others. Anything more that tugs at my attention can wait or find other avenues of help.
  3. I can ask for more help.
  4. I can receive.
  5. I can let go of guilt and accept that in this more balanced state, I am actually more “enough” than I was when I was giving too much.
  6. I can be worthy as an individual regardless of the level of generosity at which I perceive others to see me achieving.

Hello, I’m Dawn, and I commit to no longer being a toxic overgiver.