The curious thing about many of the choices we make in life is that they perpetuate our beliefs.
When I believed myself to be unworthy, I made choices to prove myself right.
All I had to do was consider the possibility that things could be different, and then they were different.
Don’t get me wrong, different is scary AF. But, pretty soon you gather new evidence and the choices get less scary.
If you think you’re stuck, just consider the possibility that things could be different.
What if…
I so want these times to be fun for you.
But, there are too many people.
You get overwhelmed and just want to go home.
I admit it.
It’s hard for me.
And, you need low key.
In my heart, I know I can’t pretend it away.
Or cajole you into enjoying something you hate.
The more I try, the more overwhelmed you become.
Until you melt.
You just can’t hold it together one. more. minute.
You try every which way from Sunday to warn me it’s about to happen.
And, sometimes I just don’t listen.
I’m better than I used to be.
I heed the signs more often than not.
Not tonight.
I wanted it to be a treat.
And, for you, it was anything but.
Perhaps, one day, I’ll learn to let go of expectations of what I think should be.
And, embrace what is.
So, I can be the mama you need me to be.
Hallelujah. We can close this chapter of life’s grand adventure and add upfitting food trailers to our resumes. As of yesterday we were approved by the health department and fire marshall and the Baa’d Sheep Burritos’ food truck is ready to hit the road.
We’ve had so many learning moments in the past 3 months, our heads have felt like they might explode. I consider ourselves lucky that we still have all our extremities. Cutting steel sheets is quite the sparktacular experience. And, if we weren’t so pissed off about having to do EVERYTHING at least twice, it might have been really funny.
We sawed, hammered, drilled, drywalled, tiled, painted, designed, cried, screamed at the top of our lungs, crazy laughed (you know the one), and hemorrhaged lots of money. Often times, all before going to work or late into the night. We’re on a first name basis with the team at Lowe’s, specifically in returns and exchanges. We even plotted how we could roll the trailer down the hill {accidentally}, collect the insurance money and reclaim our lives. Just in case you don’t know me well enough to know that last sentence is said in jest, I assure you, I’m just kidding. But, we did it. And, not without the help of our amazing tribe and some great referrals. Thank you to everyone who labored, advised and listened for the last several months. We’ve been humbled by the support and reminded of our village.
Now we’re on to the next phase. Time to make the burritos. And, we still can’t do it without help. So, if you know anyone who would love a food truck at their next event or a connection to any good food truck spots, we would love to hear!
Baa-baa-ritos!
10 years ago, I was just days away from embarking on the grand adventure of motherhood. It wasn’t something I planned. As a matter of fact, I didn’t plan much past the week in front of me at that time. But, the Universe had big plans for me. An opportunity that I finally couldn’t turn down. I had been given plenty of opportunities up until that point for college, good jobs, good friends, good relationships…the problem was I didn’t think I was worthy of any of that.
My life was a self fulfilling prophecy. I believed I wasn’t going to amount to anything so I made decisions to make sure that was exactly what would happen. That was the one thing in my life at that time I was really good at. Until. Until this new being came into my world. I was no longer just responsible for me and that has proven to be the only thing in my life that got me out from under the rock from which I was hiding.
I made the decision to figure out how to be happy which really meant to learn to love myself. It was nonnegotiable. I knew that if I wanted to raise children to love themselves, I had to model that behavior. I was at the bottom of a well and I had to figure out how to crawl out of it. I stopped taking my medication and I found a book about changing the neural pathways in your brain that was essentially a journey into the life changing modality of cognitive behavioral therapy and I went to work. Let me tell you people, it was hard.
The first few years were often times insufferable. We had a newborn baby, a newborn restaurant after almost 15 years of waitressing, we were on food stamps, coming out of addiction and the deep throes of depression and every day was filled with tough decisions. Decisions to choose differently.
It was like those switches on a railroad track that you pull and it changes the course of the train. Yes, just like that except that switch was so often stuck and seemingly impossible to pull. But, I had to. I knew that one track led to the same purgatory I kept myself in for 20 years. The other track was unknown, but it was a chance for something better. So, I made the decision erry day to pull that switch and choose a different path. Sometimes, I had to make those decisions dozens of times in a day.
These weren’t your typical household decisions like choosing your portfolio investments or planning the family vacation. I was choosing between being crippled by the idea that failure was fatal or feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Paralyzing fear that I was a terrible mother, an unworthy wife, my business was a losing battle, my family wished I was someone else and I had no friends.
This may not have been the reality, but it was my story, and I wasn’t giving it up easily. We cling to our beliefs so dearly, don’t we?
Ten years later and the decisions have become easier. I’ve laid new railroad tracks, ones with fewer switches. I almost truly believe I’m worthy enough and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of the intense struggles that have led me to be the kind of mother and human being that I am. I know that based on the past ten years, I’ve proven to myself that change is possible and it doesn’t stop. So, it will just keep getting better and better.
I’ve shared some of this story before, and I may share pieces of it again. I believe shame only works if you keep it a secret. I’m owning this tumultuous past and setting it free. I also wholeheartedly believe that if any one person finds solace in knowing they are not alone, it’s worth being vulnerable. You are not alone. And, we can change.
I have so much to say to my 12 year old self. Heck, I’m still telling my 41 year old self:
Your weirdness is what makes you truly amazing.
Getting help doesn’t make you weak.
The possibility of being wrong can make you right.
Failure isn’t fatal.
Perfection is choosing to embrace life exactly how it is.
Saying no can be the most freeing two letters in the English language.
Time is just a vessel that we fill- fill it wisely.
Know your values and make every decision accordingly.
Fear is universal…do it anyway.
Christmas has been different this year in the Chitwood Rivers household.
Kaia sometime in the spring of this year had asked for the umpteenth time if Santa was real after hearing rumors yet again in the schoolyard contrary to what she has always thought. By force of habit, I pulled out the trusty response that has gotten me through that question without feeling as though I’m outright lying, “what do YOU believe?”
Sensing less conviction in her response, I thought this is it. It’s time. I hadn’t prepared for this moment, but instinctively I felt the conversation was imminent. So, I asked her, “do you REALLY want to know?” She said, “am I going to like it?” And this is what came out, “I think so. Because it’s a great responsibility: knowing. And, I think you’re ready. Are you ready?” With her eyes like saucers she eagerly nodded her head. “Now YOU get to be Santa. It’s up to you to keep the secret and the magic alive. You get to spread cheer and give gifts.” It was like someone gave her a magic wand. She was thrilled to be in on it, and, of course, realizing that she gets to eat the cookies on Christmas Eve was a major bonus.
She has really run with it and to my surprise, Christmas has been even more magical so far with her help and excitement. She has taken over hiding Frisbee, our elf, which in and of itself has been worth bringing her into the fold.
Meanwhile, Mason believes more than ever and has not asked once whether Santa is real.. ever. Furthermore, he has taken to leaving notes for Frisbee to take back to the North Pole to Santa or with questions to sate his curiosity about how all this happens.
I popped up in bed this morning at 6am realizing that we had all forgotten Frisbee last night and scurried out to move him before Mason came looking. This day he also came with a list of questions to be answered by the authority in the North Pole:
* How old is Santa?
* What does Santa look like?
* What does Santa do on his breaks?
Of course, I turned to the omniscient Google and over coffee I got a history lesson. Here’s what I learned.
First off, Santa Claus is a REAL PERSON. Mind blown. I had no idea.
* Santa is 1,746 years old. He was an orphan raised by his uncle, and had frequents bouts with the law, even beating up another bishop. Bad Santa. However his good deeds earned him the title of St. Nick and he is remembered for the good stuff he did in life.
* They exhumed his body to learn more about him and using some pretty interesting processes came up with the sketch seen in the attached photo. (Mason says he looks like Leonardo da Vinci.)
* Santa continues his charity throughout the year and represents good on earth. He takes a summer vacation in June and starts his preparations for Christmas in July.
This parenting thing is the greatest education I have ever received. No matter which child’s lens I happen to be looking through at the moment, I am just in awe.
So proud of my daughter for working so hard on a personal project over the last 4 months. She has developed a line of “Kaiaffirmations,” so to speak and in her words, here’s why:
“My name is Kaia Madeline Chitwood-Rivers and I am in the 4th grade at Weaverville Elementary. I am 9 years old and I have been working on these designs for a little while now. I created these cards for a few reasons: to be creative, to help people believe in themselves and to help children in need. Half of all profits will be used for local programs in our community to help children.”
She came up with all of these sayings entirely on her own and I am in complete admiration for the motivation behind it, her dedication to following through on each step and her courage to put herself out there. She has been responsible for the entire process from design to helping to digitize them, to fund the printing with the money she has saved and to learn cost of goods, shipping costs etc. I am only here for marketing help and moral support.
The more I let go of needing to be “right,” the more right I become.
When I volunteer in my daughter’s kindergarten class, I am always reminded that this age is the time when so many seeds are planted.
As they worry about the mistakes that they make or whether the person next to them is doing their work differently or faster or “better.” Their faces light up with the smallest compliments and are crestfallen with carelessly articulated criticisms.
I am reminded of how important it is to teach our children that life is not about being perfect, it’s about making mistakes and learning. And that being different and doing things differently is what makes them so beautiful.
I see each and every child in that classroom has a spark.
I am grateful to have spent this time with these sweet kindergarteners who have reminded me of the power of our inner child and everything that is important.
© 2025 Dawn Chitwood
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
